Rachael Newham

C.S Lewis once famously wrote ‘No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear’. I am inclined to say that grief engenders fear. That the raw agony of loss can be incredibly frightening. I am not sure what makes it so fearful; whether it is because it feels endless, or that the memory of past grief adds to the present. I don’t know.

What I have ascertained that grief is violent, it ravages the heart and soul. Every muscle, tendon, nerve seems to be on edge, and the slightest movement can cause great pain. It can feel like you are walking on glass, where every step in painful and that pain is seemingly never-ending.

And yet. it is not never-ending. There is a time to grieve in life. Whether that be to grieve the loss of a loved one, lost years or the loss of a relationship. Grief, those feelings of loss do not have to be things swept away and ignored. They can be faced. They might not go away forever. They can be survived.

Over the past few weeks, I have found myself grieving. Grieving for what I so often call ‘the lost years’. The years when I was alive but not living, going through the motions. It is strange to be grieving time, rather than a person. It is strange, that by grieving for a time of pain, you are dragged back a little. On reflection however, it is amazing to see that there is something hopeful about this grief. It means that time of pain has passed. It means that you are no longer in ‘that place’.

It’s an important to remember that in order to grieve the past you have to survive it.