Scared of Happy?

It sounds strange, to be scared of something which is often fought so hard for. And yet, it is exactly this fight which can make a person fear the happiness when in comes. When all is dark, one begins not to notice that darkness but shown the light, we don’t want to return to the darkness.

It is something I have been thinking a lot about recently as I have enjoyed the happiest six months of my life. Whilst some of this happiness can be attributed to having amazing friends and family, a loving boyfriend and a fulfilling degree course – there is also an element of freedom. The freedom to wake up in the morning and feel ‘okay’ is one which eluded me for a great many years. Going to bed with a smile on my face, was, for a long time completely above and beyond my wildest dreams because I simply did not think I deserved it.

So now, as I enjoy the happiness – there is a lurking fear – a fear that the darkness will return, a fear that days will once again become lost in my ‘sad eyes’.

It is, in many ways a very useful fear – it keeps me tethered to the ground, keeps me thankful for what I have, enables me to use the happiness rightly – stops me from ever taking the light for granted.

I am not naive enough to think that I will never face any darkness again – but I’ve been granted the feel of the light and I like it. So whilst life may become dark again, I hope and pray I can hold onto the hope of the light.

For now though, life is good – and I’m going to enjoy the light and give glory to the one who spoke the light into being.

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1 thought on “Scared of Happy?

  1. notaloneinthere

    I pray that you can hold onto hope of the light too. When I’m feeling on top of the world the thought that it can all go away so quickly is terrifying to me, but I really do believe that when things are darkest the knowledge that I was happy before and will be happy again can hold me through.

    And in response to the line:
    “Going to bed with a smile on my face, was, for a long time completely above and beyond my wildest dreams because I simply did not think I deserved it.”
    I know that feeling. I know that feeling well.
    I also know that you *do* deserve it!

    Reply

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