Rachael Newham

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been thinking about grief. The grief that comes, not from the loss of a person, but grief at circumstance. There is a time to grieve what’s been lost so that we can move forward, and yet I’ve been ignoring it.

I don’t think I’m unusual in how I’ve dealt with grief.

I’ve squashed it, diminished it, tried to ignore it.

I’ve tried to exorcise it by making it physical through self-harm.

I’ve tried to starve it away.

And finally, I’m trying to face it.

I thought that when I faced the grief of those lost years I would be floored, as I had been through my time under the mental health system as a teenager.

I didn’t see a way I could live around facing the pain.

Over the past few months however, I’ve learned that our hearts and minds are far wiser than we could ever imagine.

Grief comes in waves.

The little reminders prick tears behind my eyes sometimes.

The gut punch leaves me reeling – but it doesn’t fell me.

The tears fall – but they dry and them smiles can come.

Sometimes the waves are greater, they require time and rest – and that’s okay – because even they recede and leave the shore clear again.

There is a time for every season of emotion – we have to stop fighting them and let them come.

So I’m learning to let the waves come and I’m learning to let them leave again.