Maternity Leave Lessons

Last Monday my five months of maternity leave ended. Before I left work, I was dreading it. I left my first baby (ThinkTwice) in other people’s hands for the first time ever and although I trust the hands I left it in, I was worried about what would happen whilst I was away. Was I going to forget how to do my job? Was I going to hate being at stay at home mum? Would I be bored? Would I want to go back to work?

And now I’m back, working in a strange hinterland. I am a stay at home Mum but also a freelance writer, trainer and charity founder. I get the best of both worlds because I get to do the job I love and be with my son lots; and the worst of both worlds, because I’m trying to do two jobs at the same time!

But back to the lessons I’ve learnt over the past five months:

Rest. It’s taken me twenty-eight years to begin to get my head around this one, but looking after a small person has taught me that I’m much better at doing life when I listen to my body and mind and get some rest. I’ve tried my hardest to rest or sleep when my son sleeps (and whilst that’s a little harder now I’m working) I’m hoping that I can continue to remember that I don’t need to try and be superwoman. Self care isn’t about candles and bullet journals; it’s about doing the things you need to do in order to function.
The Village. There is a reason why people bang on about it taking a village to raise a child – because it’s true. Babies are demanding creatures and having people around you to cuddle your baby, make you laugh or cry to is invaluable. Our village have been incredible; I don’t think we cooked a single meal for the first month of our son’s life and since then people have been amazing at checking in, spending time with us and on a couple of occasions, looking after our baby so my husband and I could go out and remember who we were before we became Mummy and Daddy. Not forgetting the amazing world of baby groups where I’ve made new friends after fearing that I didn’t know how to anymore. Parent or not, we were made to live in community and whether it be your work colleagues, friends or actual neighbours, I’m learning not to be afraid of asking for help and giving it back!
Trust. I like to read things to help me understand the world and my place in it, I like to read things to see that I’m not alone and so it came as no surprise that I devoured blogs and books on parenting and babies. And whilst some of the information I’ve gleaned has been incredibly helpful; it’s also taught me that I can actually trust my own instincts. I don’t think I ever truly trusted myself before; perhaps it’s a fallout from the decade living in self-destruct, but I do know deep down what my body needs and I’m also learning to know what my baby needs.
Wonder. There is nothing like being with a baby to teach you about wonder. Whether it’s his own face (my son is particularly fond of his!), watching the wind blow through trees or slapping his hands on a coffee table (apparently can provide minutes of fun – until he hit the table too hard and made himself cry!), being able to watch the amazement on my little boy’s face as he discovers the world has reminded me just what an incredible world we live in and how beautifully crafted our bodies are.
Thankfulness and Difficulty are not mutually exclusive. When you have longed for a baby, when you are acutely aware of those who are desperate to be in the position you find yourself in as a new parent, it can be hard to find the balance between expressing the gratefulness you feel as well as acknowledging that parenting is flipping hard! But good things aren’t necessarily easy things – and parenting definitely falls into that category. Sometimes, I haven’t wanted to share the parts I’ve struggled with because I never want people think I’m not grateful for my son and the gift he is, but neither do I want to present a shiny instagram version of motherhood. My middle ground balancing gratitude and grace. To be grateful for the gift that parenthood is and receive grace for the days when it feels more like a grind.

There are many other lessons I’ve learned; not least that you should always pack one more bib, nappy and feed than you think will be necessary, but these are the ones I will hold dear and probably need reminding of the most in the months to come.

Tracing the Tears – Resurrection #OurHolyWeek

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This Holy Week, I’m going to be blogging each day, tracing the tears Jesus shed for Jerusalem to the tear filled eyes who first saw the Risen Christ. Throughout I’ll be following prompts from #OurHolyWeek

“Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying.”

John’s account of Jesus’ resurrection begins with tears.

The tears of Good Friday and Holy Saturday were still wet on the faces of Jesus’ friends when He returned to them.

And it was through the tears of Mary Magdalene that He chose to appear – that tells me a lot about the Jesus I follow.

It tells me that this suffering servant is acquainted with the deepest grief, but it also tells me that Jesus forever reigns over the agony, that death and agony are beaten.

Twice in the stories of Jesus’ resurrection He is obscured to the people He appears to; first here when Mary believes that someone has taken the body of Jesus she does not realise to whom she speaks until He speaks her name.

Jesus makes the first move, every time, and waits patiently for us to respond. He leaves the ninety-nine to go after the lost sheep and waits for us to invite Him in when we are found.

And secondly, in Luke we read that Jesus is not recognised until He breaks bread with the hopeless travellers on the way to Emmaus.

The Risen Jesus does things as unexpectedly in life as in resurrection (as if resurrection were not unexpected enough!)

He reveals His power over the grave through signs that others may call weak; Mary’s tears, Cleopas’ hopelessness, His own scars which prove who He is to Thomas.

Our first signs of life are our cries of a baby; and here we see that it is through tears that the risen Lord first appeared. Our tears signal the beginning of everything new; the new life Jesus offers, the new hope He embodies.

As the sun rises on Easter Sunday morning, we are reminded that His mercies and our hope are new every morning.

Our hope is in the Christ who died for us, who suffered in His mercy.

Our hope is in the Christ who rose from the grave who has beaten death and evil, in His mercy still bearing the scars of crucifixion.

Our hope is in the Christ who will come again in glory and who in His mercy allows the dawn to rise slowly so that our eyes may become accustomed to the blistering light and life of who He is.

“We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song.” Pope John Paul II

Tracing the Tears – Holy Saturday #OurHolyWeek

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No one likes to talk about days like today.

There is no drama, no battle, no victory.

The grave is full and the grief is raw.

It feels like death has won.

Below is a reflection on Holy Saturday adapted from my book “Learning to Breathe“.

Holy Saturday is a day to lament.

Holy Saturday is the valley of grief and uncertainty, for us and for Jesus’ disciples.’

It’s the place where we spiritually live so often, when the worst has happened and we don’t know if or how we can go on – yet in the midst of darkness we trust that dawn will break. It’s often like this in the rest of life, I think. We often remember the most dramatic days, the happiest, but how often do we remember the days of silence, when everything is wrong but nothing can be done? I don’t know if it’s a good thing that we forget days like these in our own lives, but I think it would be good if we spent a little more time remembering Holy Saturday.

It goes beyond the agony of the cross, even. The day when it was finished – when Jesus was dead – because of our sins. It is a day of silence, it seems.

God doesn’t always speak. Sometimes the silence of God says it all. As I write, I’m reminded of Job. Job who lost everything and everyone who mattered to him. Job whose friends were worse than useless. Job to whom God remained silent, waiting to speak. It strikes me that the silence of God is more often than not followed by a presence of God that is so awesome, so mighty, that we can do nothing but bow in praise and awe.

A season like this Holy Saturday can seem endless. It’s the state in which we sometimes live our lives. It’s an open wound. Shelly Rambo writes:

‘The reality is that death has not ended; instead it persists. The experience of survival is one in which life, as it once was, cannot be retrieved. However the promise of life ahead cannot be envisioned.’

There is no happy ending on Holy Saturday. Jesus is in the grave and the shadows of His death keep this day dark without a hope for the resurrection dawn. It’s a mistake to rush beyond today, because it is reflected so often in life.

Holy Saturday continues the tradition of lament set out in the Old Testament, throughout the Psalms and, of course, Lamentations. It tells us that even when God is silent, he is still to be trusted.

It’s important not to rush past the silent days of lament.

We have to be able to deal with the times when God does seem to be on mute, to be absent.

Silence does not mean that God does not exist; scripture shows us that God’s work of life begins in the dark silence and reminds us that even on these; there is hope because Jesus has been in the dark of the tomb and it was the beginning of our greatest hope.

He blesses every love that weeps and grieves

And makes our grief the pangs of a new birth.

The love that’s poured in silence at old graves

Renewing flowers, tending the bare earth,

Is never lost. In him all love is found

And sown with him, a seed in the rich ground.

Malcolm Guite

Tracing the Tears – Sacrifice #OurHolyWeek

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He gave up His spirit.

Then the darkness. The torn temple curtain.

The world changed forever in a moment.

For us.

“Look at him facing the darkness for you. That’ll enable you to face any darkness yourself.” Timothy Keller

It’s a stunning truth which gives me great courage, because the darkness Jesus faced on the cross as He died cannot be imagined nor underestimated.

It was a darkness which swallowed the midday sun; but it was a liberation which tore the temple curtain in two allowing entry to holiest of holies.

Whenever we feel as if no-one understands our agony, we can remember the cross.

Whenever we feel alone, our cries are joined with Jesus’ as he echoed the Psalmist: “My God, My God, why have your forsaken me?”

The cross is the beginning and end of our laments; the beginning because it ushers us into a new understanding of how far Jesus goes for us and the end because death’s sting is extinguished.

Hope was not just born on Easter morning for me; but as Jesus commits His spirit into God’s hands because it was then that He reached out to death so that we may live, then that He tasted hell so that we may taste heaven.

It’s why we call the worst day in history ‘good’. It’s the reason for our hope.

Tracing the Tears – Service #OurHolyWeek

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It was the greatest act of service.

Taking the cup of suffering so that our suffering may be redeemed, that one day we will see an end to our suffering.

The picture of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane is one which never fails to bring a lump to my throat. It is the greatest agony ever experienced; and yet He did not run or swerve the job ahead of Him.

Service demands sacrifice; whether the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus offered, or the million mundane acts of service which sacrifice our time or enjoyment.

Love involves a multitude of acts of service; from having a house full of lycra (my sacrifice), having a house full of rose gold accessories (my husband’s sacrifice) or the nappies that need to be changed (a joint sacrifice for our son!)

And the humbling act of service Jesus performed as He washed his disciples feet was just a foretaste to what was to come.

The blood tinged sweat which adorned his brow as He prayed:

“My Father, if it is possible, may this cup^(E) be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

Jesus’ death was the pinnacle of His service. But He had already endured thirty-three years of a messy human life from the moment he was born and laid in a manger. He relinquished His place in heaven so that we may have a chance to have ours.

“God entered time and became a man, he who was boundless became bound. Imprisoned in flesh. Restricted by weary-prone muscles and eyelids. For more than three decades, his once limitless reach would be limited to the stretch of an arm, his speed checked to the pace of human feet.”

Max Lucado

The next time I moan about the small acts of service life demands; I want to remember the sacrificial service that Jesus did for our sake, not only in His death, but in His life.

Tracing the Tears – Betrayal #OurHolyWeek

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Betrayal elicits a particular type of pain; it’s as bitter as the love shared was once shared.

His kiss; meant to be a sign of love signed Jesus’ death warrant.

Betrayal is deeper and more ugly that mere dislike because it disguises itself in a love that once was.

Judas perhaps never truly knew the love of Jesus; but if he had once loved Jesus it was eclipsed by his other loves; money and power.

It was Judas, remember, who scoffed at the money wasted on Jesus’ anointing at Bethany and Judas who took thirty silver coins in exchange for Jesus’ life.

Perhaps Judas wanted a warrior King instead of a servant King who wept and he was willing to betray Jesus to force his hand. Whatever the truth, the cost of his betrayal was too high and he took his own life.

The experience of betrayal not only destroys relationships – but trust that new relationships may be faithful.

It is a tragic end to the story; not just because his life ended in suicide, but because he never really understood the gentleness and grace with which Jesus attracted people.

Betrayal can beat people down, erode their confidence, faith and their view of God.

But I hope that as we look again at the journey of Holy Week, we will see that Jesus does not betray His people; He is faithful.

Judas’ betrayal points us to Jesus’ own faithfulness to the Father, and to us.

He walked through Holy Week knowing what was coming; yet obeying His Father, loving His people faithfully to the cross and beyond.

“Jesus was victorious not because he never flinched, talked back, or questioned, but having flinched, talked back, and questioned, he remained faithful.”

Brennan Manning

Tracing the Tears – Love #OurHolyWeek

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Love.

It can make us do strange things, can’t it? Things that to the outside world look strange, even laughable.

Many movies document people doing crazy things out of love; from Sam in Love, Actually leaping airport security to declare his love for Joanne before she leaves for America, to Rachel gate-crashing Ross’ wedding Friends (and Rachel getting off a flight that’s about to board whilst we’re on the Friends theme).

And even by these standards, the way Jesus’ is anointed with perfume on two different occasions in the gospels, might be considered a little extreme.

There are two different accounts of Jesus being anointed. Luke writes of a sinful woman who weeps at Jesus’ feet, washes them with her hair and then pours expensive perfume over him – whilst the other gospel writers mention a similar event when Mary of Bethany anoints Jesus during Holy Week, again pouring expensive perfume over Jesus, but this time Jesus marks it out as a preparation for his coming death.

When the women anointed Jesus they demonstrated wholehearted love and devotion.

For the unnamed sinful woman, her act of devotion prompts Jesus to forgive her sins- whereas in John 12 Mary is chastised by Judas for wasting the money for the perfume to anoint Jesus – but Jesus calls it “a beautiful thing.”

These extravagant acts of love were not only monetarily costly, they humbled themselves. These women gave up their dignity as well as their money to show their love of Jesus.

They did a beautiful thing.

And it leaves with me a question.

When did you last do a beautiful thing for the Lord out of your love for Him?

“There is a sacredness in tears….They are the messengers of …unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving