Tag Archives: god

I’m Not Good Enough For This…

It’s a big week for me. It’s a big week ThinkTwice. Why?

Because on Saturday I will be standing up in front of over 1000 people to talk about mental illness at the Youthwork Summit.

In all honesty – I’m petrified. Not only is this the first major speaking engagement I’ve done, but I’m doing it under the ThinkTwice name, in front of people who’ve been writing the articles I read and presenting the radio programmes and conferences I’ve listened to and attended.

One of the biggest things that scares me, is that people will “find me out”. You see, despite the fact that I lead a fulfilling life, doing work I love, inside, I’m still scared that I’m the broken and rather messed up girl who first dreamed of ThinkTwice years ago. I’m far more scared that when I stand up on Saturday people will see that I’m a fraud than the sheer number of people who’ll be there (although there are a lot of people!)

It got me thinking. (Which is dangerous, I realise) I don’t think I’m alone in this feeling. People far older, infinitely wiser and more experienced than I have these crises of confidence. We don’t feel good enough to fulfil the callings God has placed on our lives.

Sometimes they can feel all too responsible, too big, too scary! Sometimes, it’s not that we don’t trust God’s plan, but that we don’t trust that we’re good enough for God’s plan. Think of Moses- called to rescue the Israelites from Pharaoh’s tyranny – and yet scared to speak because of a lack of eloquence. Jonah was so fearful of his call that he ran away!

The thing is, it’s not really up to us. It’s God who is the giver of these gifts – however unworthy we feel. Jesus tells a parable of talents, where a master goes away and leaves his three servants with different amounts – the two with the greatest amounts invested and increased what they had – the third was so fearful he buried his and handed the original amount to his master. It was a risk for the servants to invest their talents – and it paid off! They ended up with far more than they imagined.

Isn’t the same true for us? The less worthy we feel of our calling – the more danger there is that we’ll throw it away. The more we trust the God who gave us our talents  – the more we allow God to use what He has given us – the more we’re glorifying God.

I may have made it sound formulaic and simple – I know it isn’t. The fact is, though, we are good enough because God created us. It’s not  anything to do with us. It’s everything to do with our Maker. He has given us everything we need for the job he’s called us to.

So even though I’m still petrified – I’m good enough to do the job God’s called me to do because He’s called me to it and gifted me for it.

The same is true for everyone. We are good enough because He is.

Getting the Balance Right

So I’ve been reading Jeremiah recently, and as is often the case when reading the Bible, I came to a realisation. 

I either view God as a cuddly teddy bear, soft and loving – or I view an angry, jealous God who I have to impress, and whose standards are unattainable. 

I guess that to some extent both extremes are true. God is loving – He is Love. God is also just and perfect and to be revered. I’ve never quite got the revering bit right, I so often flail about between being scared of God, and forgetting His awesome power. 

If you know me, you’ll probably have realised that I quite like the middle ground! Why go extreme (except in my love for pretty things, matching and organisation) when you can pick the best of both sides and amalgamate them. It’s true for me in politics, theology, pretty much all the big stuff! I’ll search for a way to appease both sides and get the best of both worlds. 

Sometimes, this can be a good thing. Other times, like trying to write academic essay, it’s a bad thing. 

When it comes to my relationship with God, that tendency and love for balance goes out the window! Now I’m not saying that we shouldn’t get passionate about the God we serve, the God who created the world – anything but! 

But what I am saying is that I think I’m not alone in viewing the different parts of God’s character as completely isolated from one another when in truth, the reverence and awesomeness of God are as much of a part of the love of God as His healing and willingness to send His Son to die for us.

Reverence and love aren’t mutually exclusive. They go together like nutella and, well pretty much anything – they go together like strawberries and cream, books and coffee!

So I’m going to try and readdress my balance issues. I want to delve into the loving, pastoral heart of our God. But I also want to stand back in awe and acknowledge Him as Lord. I was to bow before Him, give Him all I’ve got – but I also want to run into His everlasting arms and accept the love God has for His children.