Tag Archives: life

The Way of the Waves

There are things you begin to notice.

Your voice quietens, just a little.

Noise seems louder, scratching at your eardrums.

You’re more easily irritated, patience worn thin.

You are tired, the tiredness spreads through your body like slowly freezing water. It is cold, painful and slows your thoughts and movement.

The feelings are dully familiar, and yet they catch you by surprise because the reprieve has been so long, so welcome.

Thoughts and feelings you have written about many times in the past tense have crept back into your present and they are as fresh and frightening as they were the first time.

Depression is an unwelcome returning guest. And yet you welcome you must, for fighting delay and worsens the inevitable tide which may or may not knock you off your feet.

You know how it goes, it’s a tide you’ve chased many times before and yet it feels new.

The newness is the baby, your delight, who gives no heed to your falling mood or slowing movements. He still needs to be fed, entertained, cherished.


Being a Mum made me reach out sooner than I might have done in the past; because there is not just me and my husband to consider, but a tiny boy who depends on us for everything (whether or not he cares to agree with this.)

And so I fell into my community, I allowed them to care for my family. We accepted help from all sides and I tried to push away the guilt and shame.

I realised, this time, that pride had crept in over the months and years of relative wellness. I speak of struggle in the past tense, I am a “new me” now.

Somewhere along the way, I had forgotten that I still need the grace I encourage others to share.

That I experience more freedom is no small amount of work – but it is also the way of the waves – that they have been ridden and not overwhelmed me.

So I write because I believe in honesty, in fighting the stigma (even if today it exists only in my own mind) and in a God who does His most beautiful work in our weakness.

 

Weird

Life is weird. Growing up is weird.

I have had a number of conversations recently with friends and it seems to be a common feeling amongst us. We’re early twenties, newly graduated and life is hurtling into the next ‘stage’.

I am well aware that twenty-two is not old. In fact, it is young. And yet sometimes I feel far older than my years and at other times I don’t feel old enough to be living the life I live.

I rent a flat, I drive a car, I try and keep ThinkTwice pottering along, I write things that people read.

It’s all very weird.

I clearly remember chatting to my best friend at school, about what we’d be like when we were in our twenties! It was an amusing picture which involved having a great deal more money than we actually have!

I still surprise myself sometimes with the realisation that I am living life. I’m not just going through the motions of life, allowing it to pass me by and despite the weirdness of this growing up lark. I like it.

Life is weird.

But I’m beginning to think I quite like life.

Endings

Regular readers of this blog cannot have failed to notice that I am coming up to the end of my degree in theology. It has been the best three years of my life, and I have faced things that I had been running for for many years.

Endings are hard. The accompanying loss can is painful. I know that, as excited as I am about the next stage of my life, the thought of leaving this place I have loved so much is incredibly daunting. The loss of the safety of Bible College is particularly scary – it has been my safe place, my home for three years.

And the hardest thing about endings is that there is something about loss which revives earlier losses. I sit here and cannot help but recall the other endings, the relationships (that may still remain but change shape) the things I was all too glad to leave behind, and those which pulled hard at my heart.

I cannot lie, I am scared about what comes next, after all I am leaving home, leaving LST and beginning “adulthood” proper. 

And yet. I am excited in a way I have never been before. I am excited that I can begin the next phase of my life. I am excited that I am not entering into the next phase of my life as battered and bruised as I was when I first walked through the doors of LST. I have grown up, met friends I will keep for life and learned more about God, who He is and His relationship of love to the world He created than I ever thought possible. 

I am looking forward to working this out in the world. I’m also petrified. But I’m beginning to think that fear is okay as long as it does not prevent me from acting out the calling God has placed on my life. 

For as this chapter ends, I have to trust in the Author who has my story in His unfailing hands.