It’s taken me a long time to write this; I found out I was pregnant back in March and I’ve wanted to write about it ever since we announced that we were having a baby.
So what’s stopped me?
Pregnancy after loss is an incredibly complicated time; for me, it can be described primarily as a loss of innocence.
The first time, the idea of anything going wrong was something vague, something that happened to other people.
This time, miscarriage has been at the forefront of my mind most days, particularly before the first scan.
The fear has been omnipresent.
And yet, so has faith.
Fear and faith have sat side by side, in an uncomfortable alliance.
They have not negated one another, as I might have expected, but I’ve lived in between the tension of the two.
I have had faith that God does and will work, that He is love, that He is trustworthy.
And I have feared the loss that I’d only just begun to get my head and heart around when I fell pregnant again.
I have written very little; in part, I think that’s because so far, pregnancy has been good to me. I’ve felt almost guilty that I’ve (so far) escaped the worst and in part because I’ve not wanted to sound like I’m boasting in any way.
I also haven’t written because losing our baby in December changed the whole way I relate to God, it pulled away my certainties. Shortly afterwards, I lost my voice after a virus and all of a sudden I couldn’t use my voice to sing and lament, I found myself silenced in worship.
And in my silence, I began to listen. Sometimes there has been comfortable silence, but at other times I was able to reflect on scripture in ways I have never done before.
As I wrote in my last blog, I felt the call of the those truths which drew me to faith in the first place.
Now, as I enter the second half of pregnancy the hope and the fear are growing still – but what is growing more than I’d imagined is my faith – whatever happens going forward, I’m trusting that God is moving and God is present in the darkness, but also in the light.